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NW 2004
Monday, September 13, 2004
I'm back from the Northwoods trip with a new joy.
The night of September 4, a Saturday, we all gathered around a nice campfire by the lake to sing hymns, hear testimonies and stories, and make s'mores. You have to understand how depressing this is to someone who's in the wrong mood. You would have found me sitting there alone in the darkness, looking cold and tired, endlessly thirsty, and most of all, loathe to join in the... festivities (who knew that marshmallow burning could get so lively?).
Yes, I was quite in a different place; adrift, you could say, in the sea of my own mind. I was thinking about those testimonies; wishing, I guess, for more of the faith I saw in those shining faces.
I think I had thought so much about wanting more "faith" that I had lost sight of what life was really about. Through what happened next, I came to be reminded that life is in one's connection to God and the exchange that comes out of it. Faith is a byproduct of this connection, not something that one can achieve.
My friend Stephanie saw me sitting there and came over to talk. To tell her that everything was fine would have been a ridiculous lie, so I kinda leaked out some of what I felt at the moment. After spilling out basically everything, she asked, "Victoria, when did you ask God to come into your life?"
I didn't know. I was probably three, and I probably didn't know what I was doing. It was the years after that in which I truly realized what it meant to be a Christian. Stephanie began to share about her own life, and eventually came down to the importance of having a specific day to which one can look at, by which one can be sure of her salvation. She suggested that I have this.
So right then, we moved from the crowd to the vacant gazebo by the lake, and I renewed my relationship with God. There, I was able to really refocus on that vital connection that was so often overlooked in my life. "You're only as real as your fellowship with God," I'd heard over and over, cringing every time I'd heard it, because I felt so guilty. But at that moment, it was like some heaviness had been lifted, and I realized the truth in what my suitemate Jenny had told me earlier: "At least you can change that."
I CAN CHANGE THAT! One of the first things I noticed was that I didn't dread the future anymore. I felt at peace about my age, and where I was going. Why I had for such a long time clung onto these feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty, I'm not sure, but in that gazebo I was really able to let them go. There was just no reason to have them. And then I changed my situation. I decided that I was going to put more into my time with God, starting that night.
O_O... I've gotten so many insights since then! Beginning with the Bible passage I read that night—Jeremiah 31:
The people which were left of the sword [survived] found grace in the wilderness; even Israel, when I went to cause him to rest. The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Again I will build thee, and thou shalt be built, O virgin of Israel: thou shalt again be adorned with thy tabrets, and shalt go forth in the dances of them that make merry.It's so good to get rebuilt. And to be able to join the party again.
As for pictures! and the rest of the trip! It takes eight hours to get to Michigan from here, and both ways I rode with John, which made for some rather good conversation. We did a few really cool random stops when something along the road was intriguing enough to merit it... and yes, we did get cheese at one of those Wisconsin cheese shops on the way back xD;; yay.
One afternoon during the retreat, I felt particularly hyper with nothing to do so I hung around the foosball table and challenged just about every person who happened to walked by to a game (yuah I know XD). It was a really dead table, the kind that's missing three players, needs a shake after every few goals, has loose rods and causes way too many fooses. All the same, it could display skill level rather well and I started getting that competitive rush again, especially with four or five of the people I played. Like the Bournes! Gahhh ^_^! Somewhere into the day, Daniel B and Brian H got some nails and WD-40 to sort-of fix the table, and it got even better. Hehe... there are some serious rematches that need to be done sometime...
Other cool things that weekend would include getting to watch the Passion of the Christ again. If any of you haven't, I really recommend it.
Now for the random pics~
Lake and gazebo in the afternoon.
Lake with the sun kinda going down.
Lake and boats—I gotta say, one of the coolest things I did at the retreat was getting out on the lake at 5:40am in a canoe with some other people to watch the sunrise. If only I could do that EVERY day ^___^...
A shot at the sun.
David drinking lemonade out of a Doritos bag.
John and his cool car that he never locks up! XO
Barak and the Hodag, a concrete monster we met while passing through Rhinelander.
A schoolhouse that was so picture-perfect, we just had to stop by and shoot it.
The Mars Cheese Castle, another sight we had to stop at. I mean, man. CHEESE CASTLE?
In case it's not clear yet, HQ = headquarters of the Institute in Basic Life Principles, a Christian organization in which I'm serving. In other HQ-related news... *fiddles with camera* Ahhhhaha~! Here's that worm cake that Jenny and I made for someone's birthday! Good times in suite 16. Meh. I miss Stephanie! Jeanette is gone too. (Both of them were staying in our suite.) That's the thing about working here, many of the people you meet don't stay very long and you end up saying a lot of goodbyes.
As for the other half of life... I went sketching at the RiverWalk with Ag and Pj yesterday (such hilariously typical pics xD). Woah, and I met a guy playing viola near the covered bridge =D; that doesn't seem to happen too often.
Ag, now that summer's gone, I hope COD goes well for you. Thanks for the last fling~ you still have to show me that drawing you were doing though ^_^! Oh yeah, gotta remember to register for voting.
Kash, cool to hear about your job... bookstores are nice. I think I've lost the program that puts pictures onto oekakibbs, sorry about that :/. Hey, blessed with friends, like you!
Weien, yaaaaaaay so good to be able to see you now. And good to hear the bulk of the jaw!
Ka-chan, the programming language was Ruby. Cool that you're learning java! And thanks... I should really draw more ^^ you too!
Pj... ha, that's right, propraming. And yeah, you should have a site for your art! It was so awesome seeing your latest drawings cuz you've improved a lot. Well, have fun with those three art classes.
Shiowei, wish I could have gone to Navy Pier and stuff with you guys! It was really good to see you too. My di di should be visiting HQ soon (in my opinion, he should stay and work for at least week or two ^_~ I mean, come on!). Miss you!
Well, this is getting too long. Cool things I'll have to blog about some other time include scripture memorization, early rising, and "fishing" (finally got my conversation with Mr. Garvin in!).
An HQ-ish August
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
Ackpt... I didn't mean to wait a month before updating ^^;;. I've been at HQ a lot lately, and here my free time justs gets swept away. In answer to Kash's question, I live in the dorms where I work a couple nights a week; it just makes things easier. It's been good, I would say. I like my job, and I love the holiness one can find everyday while working here. For one, testimonies are shared every morning and they are so beautiful... make me tear up every once in a while. Really, it's the people; they inspire me like crazy.
And where else could I go to find maniacs who want to play ultimate frisbee in the pouring rain? (We did that recently and it rocked.) Ah, and a few weeks ago, I got my first taste of programming from my co-worker John (ruby-sama!). The class was really fun since I get totally turned on by challenges and being able to figure things out. I'm really going to have to go farther with this. Speaking of John, he owns a graphics tablet and he let me use it ^_^ and I got into an artsy mood again. Nothing amazing to show at the moment, just a bit of lineart, some character sketching, and some coloring around. I also tried to cartoon the people in my department for a wallpaper for David's birthday (may his birthday live on forever!!! xD). That was fun, but very difficult—I'm starting to realize my limits. Part of it may be that at least 95% of everything I draw is from imagination, and variety in subject matter isn't quite as expansive as you might think. To say it bluntly, accurately drawing real people with so many different kinds of appearances and personalities has gotten kind of impossible for me. I need to work on this. Yup, gotta keep this one in mind.
There have been the low times... one night while I was here, I was feeling so angsty I could barely breathe (know the feeling?), so I went up to talk to Mary Kay about it. I ended up staying in her apartment for about three hours in which I was crying my head off half the time. It was incredibly encouraging though—she has this way of really listening to people and giving sincere comments and Biblical advice. Amazing how people can be such pure channels of God's love. I can't begin to explain how much better I'm feeling.
Well, it's good to be able to go home and be with the family too. The unconditional love is beyond uplifting. Another thing is hanging out with Tara! Man, we have SO much to talk about and do, whether it is anime, martial arts, DDR, programming, or art (nice combo, isn't it? xD). I got to watch the first five episodes of Gundam Seed with her last week ^_^ we got to go plein-air painting too! *blissful sigh* I'd been wanting to go plein-air painting for ages, so that was especially refreshing. Too bad the school year is here. Well, as soon as I can get around, I hope to be visiting my friends much more often.
Last week, I had the opportunity to help drive Weien from our house to Indianapolis for his music camp. It was the first time I had driven on the highway, and I gotta say, it's quite an experience driving 40 miles faster than usual ^^;;. When you're at that speed, along with all the other cars, it really doesn't seem all that fast. But then it's like... *accidentally moves wheel over half a centimeter causing the entire car to madly swing over, then brings the wheel back, causing an even more unsettling swerve*. Hehe, I think I'm getting the hang of this.
But man, I miss Weien so much. Getting calls from him has never been so exciting.
I wish I had more to share about my hero Blaise Pascal, but I really haven't had time to read. I will finish his books though! Blah!
This weekend, I'll be off to Northwoods in Michigan for a HQ retreat. I'll have to post news on that afterwards. Other stuff to look forward to... well, I shared my testimony early last month, so I don't need to think about that anymore ^^ it went well, by the way. And yeah. My church people are telling me that I should take on Praise Symphony (the youth orch) by myself. I'm still thinking about how I would this. It's going to be extremely stretching.
Quick plugs! Ka-chan, yes, "blog more often" is indeed on my mental list of things I really want to accomplish, haha. Shiowei, it's so good to hear from you. You're right, God is awesome, and I am SO HAPPY He had me meet you! Kash, cool to see you have a blog now ^^. Paula, thanks for everything; your comments rock. Weien, you're the best (as is your poetry).
So... here it is. Just about one month before I turn 18 (October 4).
I don't feel ready. :0...